the worst
I’ve mentioned before that I’m pretty insecure about my sexytime skill level, seeing as how the whole pelvic pain deal kind of puts the kibosh on really figuring out what I’m doing. Instead of honing skills, I’m focused more on “is the pain bad enough to stop now? what about now? would it be less awkward to call it quits now or deal with more pain later? am i going to cry in the bathroom and possibly have to explain myself to this person?”
All this leads me to wonder if I am the worst sex partner ever. Maybe these dudes discuss it with their friends and roll their eyes a lot and say things like what the fuck is wrong with her I can’t even believe I bothered wasting my time dude just find someone else because she is terrible. I bet they do. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and et cetera.
But you know what, dudes? You’re ALL the worst. So there.
The only way I could rank my sexual encounters (relationshippy types notwithstanding) is from mildly painful to excruciating—all with strong undertones of totally fucking awkward.
I’m still trying to figure out why I do this kind of thing (and why I will continue to do this kind of thing)…
dealing with pain and dysfunction 
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Posted 13 years, 4 months agoGreat post there. Bookmarked and shared! :)
Posted 13 years, 1 month agoi don’t exactly get it.. but do you have like dysfunction? if so..go see a doctor so that you will be treated.. kegelmaster
Posted 12 years, 3 months agoGotta love the spammers, huh?
Anyway, I’ve been reading around your blog, and I wanted to comment (even if it’s weird to hear from a stranger) that I’m proud of you for doing this. For writing about it, even if you were writing it all just to yourself and not publicly at all. I’ve never gotten that far, myself.
I also wanted to say that I’ve got this same problem…. and I’ve had it since I was 5-6 years old. No one ever told me what it was, but once I found out about it, it makes perfect sense.
I also want to say that, hey, maybe the attempts at successful romance are because you, well, want successful romance. I know that’s why I used to try and make friends, or why I would keep eating wheat (wheat is toxic to my body) when the effects were/are so horrible. I kept wanting to sort-of re-write what happened, to try and fix it. I’d keep reliving it all (not just talking about friends and food, here, btw) in a subconscious *need* to “fix” it. Honestly, the only thing that helped was to realise I was doing that and work very much on learning how to not judge myself for it. Self-esteem is still an issue for me, but mine’s much higher than it was… I wish I could tell you what I needed to get it that way, but I think it was a lot of things… like supportive family, taking breaks when I need to (big prob for me), and my partner. He’s been really great about everything. But he’s not like most people, either.
I can give maybe some advice (and if it’s crap, just toss it aside). You’re not the worst partner, ever. The worst partner ever wouldn’t care about their partner’s pain, would keep going and not bother trying to do “it” differently… Frejr, my partner, he stops when I need to. Which is usually often. We’ve stopped “expecting” orgasms, because they aren’t going to happen without being completely not worth it. Eventually I had to learn to trust that he really means it when he says it’s okay, that it’s no big deal, that sex isn’t the most important thing. I was taught when I was young, that it was. That I had no choice in the matter, but the more great people I talk to, the more I realise the only good thing I was ever taught, was the stuff I already KNEW. You know, about treating people fairly, and how you should love yourself (though I was taught that was a lie).
So I guess my advice is to keep trying, and then stop trying for maybe a minute, then go back to fighting and trying some more. You will eventually get to a lull- then it will go back to hell again. This will repeat. But eventually it gets easier. I know it does; it’s not logical that as long as you’re breathing it won’t. Good things happen and bad things happen. BOTH pass. I needed to learn that (along with how to not judge either as often as possible) before I got ANYWHERE.
Gosh, I’m sorry I wrote so much! I usually avoid comments, lol.
For what it’s worth, you aren’t alone, and you already have the stuff you need to get through all this crap just by existing. I don’t believe that most of the time, but I’ve also learned that you don’t have to believe something for it to be true… and it’s turning out to be a teeny bit more true over time.
(I forgot to mention, for the sake of clarity: I’m intersexed. Born “female,” raised “female,” not entirely sure if my unique anatomy plays a role in some ways or not, but entirely sure it makes no difference. I bleed just like a woman does, and until a few years ago, thought I was one- albeit a very horrible one. I don’t consider myself a woman, or a man, but something else… though I prefer masculine pronouns… which is incredibly annoying when “safe spaces” hate on me just because of that. There should be no crap given to people who’ve been through this! My intersex body didn’t “protect” me, it made me a target. My masculine-ID doesn’t make me stronger, or weaker, than anyone else.)
Posted 12 years agoI never think so that people had a problem like this. Better you try to consult with the special doctors to get proper treatment.
Posted 11 years, 10 months ago