dealing with pain and dysfunction

i am gonna make it through this year if it kills me.

we have all the same friends and they all like him better than me

if i told people they’d think i was an asshole

he’s way hotter than me so people would think it’s a compliment or that i’m lying

it’s best to not cause a scene and pretend to be totally cool about it

it’s close to the end of the year anyway, what good would come of saying something?

just in general, what good would come of saying anything?

i was drinking way too much

i’d slept with him a few times before anyway

it’s easier to play it off as a hilarious, if awkward, story (i stole his corkscrew as i was leaving!  ha ha!) than actually think about it

“i want to go home” isn’t a forceful enough “NO”

i’m just being way too dramatic

just because i don’t remember how i got to his apartment doesn’t mean i didn’t want to go, right?

if, when asked how i got there, he told me i was “playing hard to get” and he had to “like, physically force me” then…

oh wait, i guess shit just got a lot more difficult to rationalize away as a funny mistake between friends.

for the aforementioned reasons i’ll continue to shut up about it and keep acting like it’s totes hilarious, but i wanted the internet to know that last night someone actually had the gall to announce to me at a bar—in public!—that he “physically force[d]” me into his apartment a couple weeks ago.  i’m glad i don’t remember that part.  even making a little blog entry that no one will read feels like i’m being a hysterical prude.  anyway, there’s not really anyone for me to talk about this with, so, whatev.  i’m keeping the fucking corkscrew.

on topic:  this is the same guy that i had the horrifically awkward vulvodynia discussion with last summer, and when i got all “wtf happened” he looked really upset and asked if he had, “y’know, hurt me” (shifty gesture to my pelvis).  no, my vagina’s pretty cool most of the time nowadays, it’s just that you should maybe reconsider your idea of “fun” if it involves forcing extremely inebriated women to come home with you.  just a thought though, dude.

all the people that have been so shitty to me this year are only going to matter for four more months.  there will be no more running into them or trying super duper hard to hang out with them just so i stop being such a homebody shut-in.  i’m sure “real life” is just as cliquey and terrible as high school and college were, but fuck.  i’m going to get a puppy and we are going to love each other.  and the people that actually do matter will be there for it.

the things that are getting me through this day:  puppy face and beat control (i was at this MHoW show in august 08 and it remains one of my very favorite memories, plus the lyrics are just what i need)


Trackbacks & Pingbacks

  1. In which I find new and innovative ways to humiliate myself « dealing with pain and dysfunction pingbacked on 8 years, 3 months ago
  2. manic pixie nightmare « dealing with pain and dysfunction pingbacked on 7 years, 10 months ago


  1. * Esther says:

    hugs…..good god. I am so sorry. shitty to start with and then the social ramifications…

    you sure you don’t have one friend to talk to? sometimes people can be a lot more compassionate when they’re alone than as a group. if not that then are you seeing a counselor?

    whatever the case, hang in there, and know that your readers do get it. I’ll be thinking of you.

    Posted 8 years, 4 months ago
  2. thanks for the hugs :)

    actually a couple great friends came through and i’m feeling a bit better. in fact, one of them went to that awesome tilly & the wall show with me.

    it definitely sucks that i’m sitting at home by myself, and probably will be for quite awhile. dude just invited me to his birthday party and i feel like i should go just to prove how TOTALLY COOL WITH EVERYTHING i am, but… meh. that’s kinda messed up, and i’m getting really sick of acting like i’m really fine with everything, and look how easygoing i am and i’m not at all a shrill harpy despite popular belief.

    also i have liquid eyeliner all over my face, so pretending i’m totally cool is right out.

    p.s. i made a friend named esther this semester (killer rhyme) and definitely thought of you & your badass name.

    Posted 8 years, 4 months ago
  3. * Quinn says:

    Thank you for sharing your story.

    I’m so sorry about your terrible experience. I went through something similar in high school. I’m glad you’ve found some friends who you can talk to about this. You don’t have to be ok with everything. You don’t owe him anything. I understand that you’re in the same social circle, but you have to protect yourself and your well being first.

    Take care of yourself. I hope the next four months go back quickly for you. You’ll be in my thoughts.

    Posted 8 years, 4 months ago
  4. Thanks for your thoughts, Quinn.

    I ended up telling a few close friends on campus (not in the same circle as Mr. Physical Force) and I did go to his birthday party with one of those friends. Turns out he only invited me in order to get his corkscrew back (joke’s on him, sucka) and I spent the whole 20 minutes I was there feeling uncomfortable and trying to piece together what had happened that night.

    I know I went just to act like everything is normal and to pretend that really, I’m fine, but I think it made it pretty clear to me that my time with those friends is up. It’ll make for a really lonely four months, since we share so many common interests that I know I’ll end up avoiding most of the events I would have gone to during my last semester here, but… entitled little shits ruin college, I guess. At first I had “but… that’s life” but I’m pretty sure it has a lot more to do with entitled little shits than it does with some problem in my life. FEH.

    Anyway, thanks for listening & I will definitely take your words to heart.

    Posted 8 years, 4 months ago

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