dealing with pain and dysfunction

alone v. lonely

I don’t like being by myself, I can’t fall asleep alone, my bed is too big.  I don’t have anyone to tell about the inane details of my day, I want to share my dilator success story with someone who will care, I really need a hug.  A good hug.

When I was three I started raising my sister.  When I was fourteen I started dating a selfish prick.  When I broke up with selfish prick at eighteen, I started dating a nice boy immediately.  But I wanted to know what it was like to be alone.  Not lonely.  I’ve been lonely.  Like when no one thanked me for teaching my sister how to read.  Or when she had more friends than me and she got to go to sleepovers.  Or when the selfish prick threw basement shows with his cool bands and his cool friends and my social anxiety was so bad that I hid in his room and watched his Woody Allen collection over and over.  Or when the nice boy was busy or preoccupied and I’d realize that I didn’t have close friends here.  There was plenty of time to be lonely.  But I’d never been alone.

Now I am alone.  And now I know that I can’t separate it from lonely.  I am so.  crushingly.  lonely.

I still feel like I need to know what it’s like to be alone and to be okay with it.  I’ve gotten glimpses of it before.  Sometime when it was still chilly out in the city, a little before spring, I remember walking down Broadway and listening to good music and feeling really full, like there was a light inside me.  I was alone with my music and my light and I felt good.

But sometimes I was on the phone with the nice boy and I was really pleased with my life.  And I would think, would I still be happy if I weren’t on the phone, connected to someone else via towers and signals?  Can I live in this moment with myself and my music and my light?  And the answer was no.  So I wanted to find out, I wanted to know what the curiosity existed for, was there a reason?  I want to go back to that time and find that niggling curiosity, find it and squash it, put it out and douse it with ice water to make sure it’s gone.  Because it has made me alone and it has made me lonely.


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