dealing with pain and dysfunction


I’m sitting in studio trying to get work done.  I don’t know why but I am in a dead panic thinking about this doctor’s appointment next week.  Seriously, it is over seven days from now, and I feel like I am about to have a full on panic attack already.  I think it’s because I just wrote it down so I won’t forget to go.  So now I am thinking about it, oh god.  Oh god.  No one is here but a bunch of grad students I don’t know and my phone is dead so I have to tell the internet.

Internet, I am freaking the fuck out.  Already.

What’s worse is that I finally made a consultation appointment for the Mirena IUD.  That’s not until early March, but I’m nervous about that, too.  I can’t stay on top of the pill well enough for it to be effective, I’ve only heard complaints about the patch, the ring is way too expensive and there’s no generic, and I’m too scared of the new Norplant because one of my cousins had the worst experience EVAR with old Norplant.  I need something hormonal because without some kind of regulation I’ll spend at least a quarter of every month curled up around a heating pad, unable to move or function.  How ridiculous is that?  I can’t have sex but I desperately need birth control.  My, what an inconvenient body I have.

I’ve tried hippie methods of all kinds, believe me.  None of them worked out, although the lavender oil massage was pretty fabulous.  Now that my stomach is permanently ruined from years of triple-shot espressos, a lifetime of way too much stress, and tons of painkillers, I can’t even take Advil for a headache anymore–let alone the extra-strength crap I’d take to get through the cramps of doom.  Even with like four of those shiny blue and yellow Tylenol I still couldn’t deal back before I was on the pill.

Anyway, it seems that Mirena is pretty much my last resort on the period-control front.  I’m spotting all the time from not taking the pill regularly enough, and Mirena would basically end my periods-from-helllll for five whole years.  That sounds so fabulous.  It’s just that… the q-tip test is hard enough, I can’t even imagine how the IUD insertion is going to go.  When I absolutely *must* have pelvic exams, I have to request the pediatric speculum.  I wonder if they’ll be able to use that for the insertion.  It’d be nice if they could just put me under and I could wake up with a shiny new Mirena in my uterus.

Maybe they could put me under next week, too?  It’s just a follow-up appointment, it’ll be fine.  I can calm down a bit, at least.  OH LOL, let me tell you something hilarious, my friends.  When I scheduled this follow-up, the receptionist gave me a card that said “FU Pelvic Pain.”  FU Pelvic Pain, indeed.


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