dealing with pain and dysfunction

Huge post, aka Lindsey has no friends in real life.

So here she is, whining to the internet.

Just so you know, this post originally started with “A quick profanity-laced rant, since I wouldn’t want y’all getting too optimistic and hopeful from the last post.”

It turned into 800+ words.  Oops.  Anyway, here goes.

Being back at college fucking sucks, as far as psychologically dealing with pelvic pain goes.  I swear, if I have to hear about one. more. drunken hookup, I am going to lose my fucking shit.  I overhear the same damn conversation a few times a day.  Walking to class.  In line to get lunch.  In an elevator.  Really, in a fucking elevator.

I always tried to avoid feeling envious of “normal” people with “normal” sex lives who can “normally” fuck whoever they’d like.  But you know what?  I absolutely cannot handle it here.  I have never been more crushingly jealous in my entire life.  Well, except maybe when my fuckup of a sister got lots of attention and undeserved presents.  That sucked too.  But really, to have “omg guess who I did this weekend” as constant background noise really just serves as a convenient reminder of how Not Normal I am.  I know that nobody gives a shit and their conversations have nothing to do with me.  I know they aren’t being intentionally hurtful.  I know that they are free to treat their sexuality however they’d like.  But it’s just such a visceral reaction for me to want to just scream at them that they’re taking it for granted!  Not everyone can do what they can do!  Every time, I get that awful help-my-chest-is-caving-in feeling.  I hate it.  Even just thinking about it.  It’s a Friday night.  And pretty much everyone else here can do what they wish with their bodies, and I am incapable and broken.  Fuck.  This quick rant got longer and more depressing than I had intended.  Since you’ve read this far already, I’ll keep going.

The larger problem here, of course, is not the absence of sex, but the absence of a sex drive.  Maybe that’s what I’m really jealous of–sexuality in general.  I dunno exactly what my problem is, but it’s fucked up and I’d like to fix it.  Perhaps I’ve always been like this? I don’t think so.  I’ve certainly felt more sexual in the past than I have for the last couple months.  As much as I hate pop culture’s depiction of vulvodynia, I have always felt that Sex and the City’s misguided and inappropriately lighthearted romp through pelvic pain was unintentionally apt.  In the show, Charlotte is diagnosed with vulvodynia, and the gals call it a “depressed vagina.”  Maybe it was a “sad vagina,” I don’t quite remember.  Of course she was cured within a week after popping some tricyclics.  But the “depressed vagina” part is kinda accurate, I’ll admit it.  It’s depressing to feel abnormal.  It’s depressing to feel like the person you’re in bed with would be having a billion times more fun with someone else.  It’s just… sad.

All the reassurance in the world isn’t going to cure a lifetime of being inundated with the message that a woman’s worth is tied to her sexuality.  Although I logically know that current reassurance is legit, past experiences with “oh, it’s okay I totes love you despite how messed up you are.  just kidding!  i’m fucking our friends!” is still way fresh in my mind, even a couple years later.  Even typing out my belief in the legitimacy of said reassurance is kind of scary, because there’s *always* the miniscule chance that someday it might come back and bite me in the ass.  At least in the last relationship I kept my naivete and trust off the internet.  It would have been a lot more painful if I had a visible reminder of just how much I believed it.  Anyway, that’s diverging from the point, which is this:  I think my sad vagina finally got the best of me and killed my sex drive.  I’m pretty pissed about that, by the way.  Unfortunately, I can’t will it back into existence, so I’m not sure what to do.  The concept of sex seems nice, but my body is just sort of “meh” about the whole thing.  Or maybe it really is all in my head this time and it’s my body that’s fine with it?  I can’t even figure out what the problem is, so I don’t know how to begin fixing it.

Anyway, I have to go to a party soon.  Can’t wait for the early afternoon flurry of texts asking me to “guess who I hooked up with, tee hee hee!!”

God I am such a cynical bitch.  I hope you’re all okay with that.  Just in case the people from the internet were wondering, I’m just as sardonic and mean in real life.


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  1. * Esther says:

    Lindsey, I’m totally with you on this. My sex drive is almost constantly dormant, which before vulvodynia was never, ever, ever, ever the case for me. I was horny all the time, and now I just don’t care. Like if sex went away forever, I wouldn’t even notice. And that makes me so sad because hell, THAT IS NOT ME.

    So ::hugs::. I hate listening to people talk about sex too. They’re my friends, but stop complaining about not getting laid! At least you CAN get laid! And yes, sex is a glorious thing, but you should be able to grasp that you’re basically shoving it in my face every time you talk about it. Sometimes it makes me want to explode.

    Posted 9 years, 2 months ago
  2. * brokenvee says:

    My heart goes out to you because I feel THE EXACT SAME WAY!!!! It’s like you read my mind and wrote down all the frustrations I’ve felt for the past 6 years of my life. Don’t feel bad for being cynical. Goddammit, we deserve to be as cynical as we want!

    P.S. I had no idea there was a Sex and the City episode that mentioned vulvodynia. I remember hearing about Charlotte’s depressed vagina, but I didn’t know at the time that it was vulvodynia. WTF! One week of tricylics?! Cry me a fucking river, Charlotte, it must have been so hard to get through that!!

    Posted 9 years, 2 months ago

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