dealing with pain and dysfunction


I moved up to the second dilator today, and if I just left my body to it’s own devices without holding the dilator or moving it, it would get pushed out in under ten seconds.

Vag sez:  GTFO.

Also, after giving up, I have a bit of a raw/scrapey/burny feeling.  Quite unpleasant.  I think the answer is more lube, perhaps a different kind?  I got the most basic KY available, as I remember that anything other lead to a weeklong vagina fire back in the days of trying to have sex.  I wish that ingredients were listed on these bottles, I’m allergic to about everything.  Maybe I’ll try heading down to Babeland.  I’d like to support a feminist sex shop anyway, plus I only live a few blocks from it.  We’ll see.


A New Pain

So another update:  I’ve been getting these weird shooting pains lately, and I don’t really know what to do about it.  It feels kind of like I’m being stabbed through the left side of my vaginal canal with a down/out motion, kind of toward my left leg.  Sometimes the pain goes all the way down my leg.  Eesh.  It helps a little bit to exhale through it, then it’s over pretty quickly.  There’s a residual ache though.  Interesting.

I wish doctors gave a fuck so I could get this figured out.

Dilators have arrived!

I *just* got my dilator set, and I’m already using it.  First impressions:

I’m elated that I decided to go with the set that I did.  When I was researching and deciding, I thought that it might be a waste of money to get a set that starts with a dilator that’s narrower than my pinky.  But even the smallest one is pretty uncomfortable and difficult to insert–I clearly need it as a starting point.

The biggest one is HOLY SHIT HUGE.  I suppose it just looks gigantic because it isn’t attached to a person, but goddamn, when I can really see what’s going on and when I’m in total control of insertion… I just… don’t know if I’ll ever get to that point comfortably.

The silicone is very nice, and a lot more bendy than I had thought it would be.  The colors are very vibrant, though I wish that the last four were a bit more different and easier to distinguish.  The last one would be more exciting if it were a happier color (maybe switch the light blue and hot pink).  Also, no yellow?  No green?  What can I say, design is important to me.  Ah, well.  It transfers heat nicely and won’t leach any creepy chemicals into my vag, so that’s a plus.  It’s much smoother than I would have thought too–no texture at all, and even a little bit tacky or sticky feeling because it’s that smooth.

The instructions say that I should use water-based lube, but Dr. Bartlik recommended olive oil.  Hmmm… some of the things I’m reading online say that because oil is difficult to wash away, it can trap bacteria and lead to infections.  That’s just about the last thing I need (seeing as how even with insurance I can’t afford healthcare, damnit), so I think I’ll head down to the drugstore to pick up something water-based.

Also, just inserting a dilator alone doesn’t do too much.  Of course it helps, but it should also be moved side to side/up and down/rotated as well.  Something surprising though–my main muscular dysfunction is on my left side, but when I move the dilator to the left, not much happens.  When I move it “up” (like toward my belly button as opposed to my spine) it hurts like a motherfucker.  Odd.

PROTIP:  Don’t sit up while a dilator is inserted.  You will be internally stabbed.

The specs:

1.  length – 2.5″  circumference – 2″  orange

2.  length – 3″  circumference – 2.5″  hot pink

3.  length – 3.5″  circumference – 2.75″  turquoise

4.  length – 4.25″  circumference – 3.25″  purple

5.  length – 5.25″  circumference – 4″  lavender

6.  length – 6″  circumference – 5″  light blue


I finally got a paycheck for the month of August, and I just placed the order for a dilator set.  I haven’t been able to use my biofeedback machine since the probe is uncomfortably large.  The probe is like the size of a thumb–pathetic.  I’ve tried to stay away from writing about all of this for a little while, since I haven’t had anything nice to say.  I’ve been particularly down about everything of late, so hopefully getting started with dilator therapy will help.  Maybe there will be some kind of miracle and my insurance company will actually reimburse me (at least a little… maybe… please??) for the dilator set.  As much as I want to get better, I also want to be able to afford groceries :/