dealing with pain and dysfunction


Excitement!

This has to be short because I’m supposed to be finishing a paper, packing, cleaning my fishtank, remembering to eat, completing financial aid paperwork… AGH!

I GOT MY BIOFEEDBACK MACHINE TODAY AND I AM SO EXCITED I MIGHT ACTUALLY BE BETTER IN SIX MONTHS THAT IS SO SOON IN THE GRAND SCHEME OF THINGS YAY YAY YAY YAY!!

Ahem.  Well, I have to go–I’m moving to NYC tomorrow!

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A Change.

My mother let me charge the biofeedback machine to her card. (!) And now I’m waiting for it to arrive in the mail, hopefully before I leave for NYC for the summer. I can’t wait for it to get here! I’m a bit scared for the whole process though. I bought the probe instead of the wires and those sticky EKG pads to save some money, and I really hope that the probe isn’t too uncomfortable. Eek, it’s making me nervous. But at least I won’t have to deal with ripping those electrodes off. Nothing like killing the newfound relaxation by tearing adhesive off your crotch, eh?

I also found a therapist in the city that has experience with women’s sexual health, couple’s therapy, AND mood disorders… plus, she’s through Weill-Cornell, so go big red or something school-spirity. I also found a medical acupuncturist at vulvodyniasupport.com, and his office also does yoga and other mind-body relaxation. I just hope I have enough time to go. So I’m feeling pretty good about things for a change. Hopefully six months+ of biofeedback and a whole lot of therapy will be just what I need.


Time for a Bake Sale?

I got a call from my pelvic floor physical therapist today.  She submitted everything to the insurance company, so now I sit and wait.  I’m not very optimistic that they’ll cover a biofeedback machine though, and my PT ran through the costs with me just so I would know what I have to look forward to.

Unit (Pathway MR-10 single channel sEMG) —- $625

Lead Wire ——————————————— $56

Adapter ———————————————– $49

100 Electrodes (one per session) —————– $98

Vaginal Probe —————————————- $37

TOTAL ———————————————— $867 + tax

Now, I could forgo the lead wire and adapters and just use the probe, for a total of $713.  I’m afraid of doing that though, since I haven’t tried the probe before, and if it’s too big or uncomfortable, well… that’s just one more reason for me to hate doing therapy.  It’s already time consuming and awkward.

In any event, I don’t have $867 or $713 right now, since I’ll be living in Manhattan for two weeks before I get my first paycheck (at a whopping $8/hour at 30 hrs/week, I’ll really be livin it up).  Oh, dear.  There are so many people at this school that are here just for funsies because they have money.  Maybe one of them will give me a loan instead of buying another pair of sunglasses?  Yeah, probably not.  Who wants to buy some cookies?

The PT is calling me back tomorrow about a payment plan, which should hopefully make this all more doable.  I could even pay for maybe 1/3 of the total without freaking out too much about my near-empty bank account.

I really need to find a sex therapist that I get along with.  I finally sucked up my pride an got a psych eval, and unsurprisingly, I am clinically depressed and have generalized anxiety disorder.  I haven’t allowed myself to break down about it yet (but I guess that’s part of the same skill set that’s allowed me to hide the depression for so many years).  I’m curious as to how much of that depression can be traced back to these feelings of worthlessness that I get from not being able to have a full physical relationship.  Help?