i am gonna make it through this year if it kills me.
we have all the same friends and they all like him better than me
if i told people they’d think i was an asshole
he’s way hotter than me so people would think it’s a compliment or that i’m lying
it’s best to not cause a scene and pretend to be totally cool about it
it’s close to the end of the year anyway, what good would come of saying something?
just in general, what good would come of saying anything?
i was drinking way too much
i’d slept with him a few times before anyway
it’s easier to play it off as a hilarious, if awkward, story (i stole his corkscrew as i was leaving! ha ha!) than actually think about it
“i want to go home” isn’t a forceful enough “NO”
i’m just being way too dramatic
just because i don’t remember how i got to his apartment doesn’t mean i didn’t want to go, right?
if, when asked how i got there, he told me i was “playing hard to get” and he had to “like, physically force me” then…
oh wait, i guess shit just got a lot more difficult to rationalize away as a funny mistake between friends.
for the aforementioned reasons i’ll continue to shut up about it and keep acting like it’s totes hilarious, but i wanted the internet to know that last night someone actually had the gall to announce to me at a bar—in public!—that he “physically force[d]” me into his apartment a couple weeks ago. i’m glad i don’t remember that part. even making a little blog entry that no one will read feels like i’m being a hysterical prude. anyway, there’s not really anyone for me to talk about this with, so, whatev. i’m keeping the fucking corkscrew.
on topic: this is the same guy that i had the horrifically awkward vulvodynia discussion with last summer, and when i got all “wtf happened” he looked really upset and asked if he had, “y’know, hurt me” (shifty gesture to my pelvis). no, my vagina’s pretty cool most of the time nowadays, it’s just that you should maybe reconsider your idea of “fun” if it involves forcing extremely inebriated women to come home with you. just a thought though, dude.
all the people that have been so shitty to me this year are only going to matter for four more months. there will be no more running into them or trying super duper hard to hang out with them just so i stop being such a homebody shut-in. i’m sure “real life” is just as cliquey and terrible as high school and college were, but fuck. i’m going to get a puppy and we are going to love each other. and the people that actually do matter will be there for it.
the things that are getting me through this day: puppy face and beat control (i was at this MHoW show in august 08 and it remains one of my very favorite memories, plus the lyrics are just what i need)
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